MY LIFE

How do you forgive someone who for as long as you can remember, made you cry, made you feel you were worthless, hurt the people you loved ? The person I'm talking about is not a partner, which may suprise some of you. The person I'm talking about is my grandma. I always imagined grandmas to be sweet cuddly people. They liked to bake and wore elasticated skirts and twin sets ( a bit like my fabulous nanna who I absolutely worship )but not my gran. She's seventy something and still squeezes into jeans and vest tops ( Not a pretty sight, especially as she's got two boobs touching her knees !! ) For as long as I can remember she had countless affairs behind my grandads back. The doctor, the bread man, you name it, she did it !! My dad remembers when he was a little boy, peeping over the top of the bannister and hearing the bread man say she owed £ 100, as she had ended the affair and he wanted his money. She took me with her once to meet one of her men when I was very small, and made me stand there while this creepy man letched over her and she was giggling like a school girl. I've hated her for so long that I feel she's eating me up inside. Of course, she doesn't realise I feel like this. I still bring her presents at birthdays and christmas and do the obligatory goodbye kiss on the cheek if I'm forced to. I no I must sound horribe saying this and this is the first time I've ever admitted it which is why I decided to write this blog and hopefully uplift some of this weight i've been carrying around for years. I may aswell start from the beginning so here we go. I was four the first time I slept at her house. It was nice staying there and I got spoilt. The following weekend I slept at my nannas house for the first time. I came home and told my gran what a great time I had. My grandma decided I loved my nanna more than her and after telling me this, she informed my mum and dad I couldn't sleep at her house anymore. She punished a four year old for loving her nanna. When I was younger I had a best friend ( I'll call her Stacey ). We did everything together, we even learnt how to play the piano at the same time when we reached about seven. By this time, I slept at my nannas every weekend and had become very close to her. This angered my grandma even more so she decided to use my best friend as a weapon against me. When I came home, my friend was always in my grandmas house. My gran would phone and ask if she wanted to come round. She would paint her nails, take her on trips, do her hair and everytime I saw Staceys shoes outside my grandmas door ( to explain, my parents live next door to my grandma with a joint conservatory ) I would feel a pain inside and wonder why she wouldn't ask me to do those things with her. Why didn't she love me like she loved Stacey ? I tried to change, but it didn't work. I'd just go up to my room and cry and wait for Stacey to come round and tell me what a fantastic time she'd had. I even started taking it out on her through jealousy. As a young child I was trying to deal with a lot of emotions and I struffled, I'm not going to lie. Once, I was watching television and my gran came in to talk to my mum. couldn't hear the programme so I went over and turned the volume up. My gran stormed out and shouted at me saying if I dodn't want her there, she;d go and she started crying. I felt like I'd been smacked in the mouth. I honestly didn't mean any harm. My mum told me not to worry and my dad, who likes to keep the peace made me go and apologise. I remember my dad holding me in his arms and I was crying my eyes out because I was terrified of her shouting again. I said sorry and she ranted on and on about me not wanting her, blah blah and I came home. My mum and dad argued over him making me go and apologise and I just lay in my room with this heavy feeling over me. I could go on forever about all the things she's done to me and my family, none of it noce. I've never met such a nasty person and I have always sworn that I will never let anybody hurt my daughter like she hurt me. Over the years, I realised it was a power trip for her. She like to see my sad and crying, so I vowed never to cry in front of her and I always cried somewhere where she couldn't see me. Because I did this she called me a hard faced bitch, but still I didn't rise to the bait and just cracked inside. She has made me the person I have beocme as an adult though and in some ways I've developed a lot of good qualities. For instance, everybody who meets me thinks I'm very confident. I'm not, it's just a mask but it's one I learnt over the years and a very useful one in interviews etc. The bad points she gave me, are feeling that crying is a massive weakness. I will not cry in front of anybody, not even my husband and recently at my grandads funeral, I would not let myself shed a tear. I came home and cried in private on my own. She's also made me incredibly jealous, which I'm not proud of but I am working on it. Since my grandad passing away, I#m seeing more of her and I'm trying to forgive but every time I feel there's a chance, she will always do something again to make me change my mind. If you've actually read this far, I apologise for burdening this on you and for ranting on but for me it's so good to actually tell someone. Anyway, time's a great healer or so they say so maybe one day I'll finally forgive. until then. I'll keep trying with the old battle axe !!

1) My second toe is freakily longer than my big toe ! No cute summer sandals for me then.

2) I love dry weetabix with loads of sugar on top. Yummy !

3) I am secretly glued to this years Big Brother already, even though I swore i wouldn't watch it this year

4 ) I am petrified of flying, and just coming back from my holidays spending four hours gripped to my seat, I've vowed never to travel by plane again

5 ) I'm opening my own shop in three weeks time !!

6 ) I once peed myself in school when I was on stage dressed as an elf. My tights turned a lovely shade making it pretty obvious what I'd done. Funnily enough, I didn't get chosen the following year.

7 ) I have a crush on Kevin Wicks from Eastenders even though he's old enough to be my dad !

8 ) I have escaped death on more than three occassions. Definately think I've got a fantastic guardian angel.

9 ) I once went to see a fortune teller who told me I am going to have three children. A girl and twin boys. Got the girl already and my husband can't have any more children due to the snip so go figure. The strange thing is she said they were all by the same man.

10 ) Last but not least, ( if you've actually bothered to read this far ) I have found my first chin hair this morning. It was long and black and I'm terrified I'm getting old !!

Everybody tells me writing a blog is a bit like therapy. It gives you a chance to talk about the things on your mind without paying a shrink for the privilege, so here we go. I'd like to talk about my grandad. In November, last year, he had a fatal heartattack and died. Just like that. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. My mum and dad were due to go on holiday the same morning and I remember phoning them to ask them when they were leaving when she told me. I was devastated. I couldn't stop crying, but if I'm honest, I was crying with guilt for the most part. I was crying because I used to walk past my grandad nearly every day and only say hello, I never stopped to talk to him, to ask him how he was feeling, to discover who he was, what happened in his life. He was an extremely shy man, very reserved. I remember kissing him as a child and he'd do a little embarrassed laugh and blush. Every memory I have of him is lovely. He was a gentle giant and even though he never expressed his feelings, I know he loved me very much. I miss him every day and I talk to him now more than I ever did when he was still alive. I wish I could turn back time. The day before he died, I passed him in the conservatory between our two houses ( my grandparents lived in one, my parents live in the other ). He was putting his gardening shoes on, the same pair that he'd had for years but he was a stickler for routines !, I was in a rush and we looked at each other and said hello as if we were two strangers passing in the street. I regret that day and I always will. But life goes on and after years of pain and hatred for my gran ( another blog entirely !! ), I'm finally starting to forgive her, very slowly, but I'm getting there. Because I think that's what my grandad would have wanted so for him, I'll try.